Another summer lesson

So my theme this summer has obviously been, "what can I learn from all of this?" Well, I've learned another one that is so incredibly obvious to many, but to me, coming from a long family list of intense overreactors, this is one lesson that I definitely needed to collide with! This is a lesson my daughter has actually taught me as she has inherited the Wehner "worry-free attitude." She is so lucky!
Raya is so good at letting things roll off. She is good at letting others take ownership of their behavior and worries. She is empathetic, as she likes to help others with solving their problems (and she is so good at it!,) but she does not take on their pain and grief. At her very young age of 5, she has figured out that people are responsible for their actions, choices and sometimes pain.
I however am extremely bad at this. In fact I don't know how to do this. I wear my feelings on my sleeve and am very effected by others' choices and behavior. This seems to make me vulnerable and so very crazy!
So yesterday I decided to really put Raya's lesson to practice. When Kellan yells or throws a fit, Raya whines or the two of them are fighting, I try not to react, instead I let it be their's. Yes, their choice to act like complete idiots is their choice. I absolutely do not want to take ownership of these behaviors. They are indeed not mine!
So what do I do instead? I breathe (while trying not to hyperventilate, b/c these behaviors still crawl deep under my skin,) walk away (sometimes scream into my pillow when I walk away,) then speak calmly if I feel that I do need to speak or do not speak at all and ignore (especially the whining or blaming me for something ridiculous piece.) And remind myself over and over by repeating the mantra, "This does not affect me personally, this moment shall pass. This behavior is not mine. I am compassionate without reacting..." over and over and over again.
It has stuck for two days, and I'll admit, these two days have been the most pleasant I've had in a long time.
I do not function well without "feeding my outdoor needs" as my dr. says, so a summer without climbing or biking outdoors is such a test for me. I don't want to fail, so I have to change my behaviors as well.
Sometimes it is a relieving feeling to not feel like I have to save everyone all of the time. Let their behaviors be theirs!

One can have fun for free in Denver

The kids and I went to free day at the Botanical Gardens and then to the fountains at City Park after that. We had a blast!

Check out more of our July 08 happenings in the photos link, there are some photos of Trent and Stacey too!

I really can't wait to get back

Baby Martini- Hueco Tanks with Flan, the coolest girl on earth, spotting.

A moment- that came full circle in about 24 hours

Oh my, where do I start...

Kellan went to a friends for a sleepover last night and the friend's sister came to our house for a sleepover (Raya is friends with the sister, kids are all the same age.) At 9:30pm we get a call:
"Hi mommy...(silence)"
"Hey buddy! Good night, I love you!"
"um, ok..." and then the tears started flowing.
Kathy (friends mom), "hey, what do you what to do?"
"He'll regret it later if I pick him up."
"I'll go for another 15 minutes and call."
"sounds good."

15 minutes later...
"Hey Lisa, come and get him."
"What's up?"
"Well, he did fall asleep, but now he's downstairs with me again and wants to go home."
"I'll come over and see..."

3 minutes later (bet you didn't know Kathy is our "behind the fence neighbor" as we all so endearingly call each other..)
"Mommy, I want to sleep at home."
"Are you sure, if we leave, you can't change your mind and come back."
"Oh I know and I am sure."
"ok then..."

3 minutes later...
"I just wanted to sleep at home"
"That's fine. Love you, good night."

roughly 8 hours later- 6am yes, 6am, the little _______ (fill in the blank)...
In my face I wake up to, "I'm ready to go back..."
Here we go I think to myself. Oh no, the shit is about to hit the fan at 6am, I am not ready to deal with the wrath that my seven year old is to set upon us for the next hour and a half- you read the time right- hour and a half! As I said, you fill in the blank.

"Well Kellan, you chose to come home. It is 6am, please do not wake the girls, you can lay down with us until we get up."
and here we go...
"NOOOOOO! I am going back to Andrew's NOWWWWWWWW! I am ready to go back, you can't make me stay here, you are stupid!"
and here goes Robert still calm at this point...
"Umm dude, it is 6am, lay down with me and we'll talk about it."
"I WANT TO GO BACK!!!! You are an idiot!" Kellan has not taken responsibility for his choice yet obviously, and is surely not planning to anytime soon-it is just too hard a lesson to learn, but it is 6am and I am NOT HAPPY EITHER! He is irrational and there is no getting through his thick skull (well really thick hair) at this point, he really is lucky b/c again, I am thoroughly pissed!

And this goes on and on and on, he is sent to his room screaming, and then back in our room screaming- we have to shut windows and just hope that the girls are still sleeping- they went to bed at ten and need their beauty rest, b/c Raya at 4pm without her sleep is not a beauty!

Kellan FINALLY settles about an hour later and comes into our room calmly (his new tactic at this point) telling us to let him go back b/c it isn't fair that he is with girls. Of course we say something to the effect of no, in our nice calm words as well, and the
@#$% hits the fan again for another 15 minutes, until he realizes he has indeed woke the girls, mom and dad are mad and he has lost TV privileges for at least a day ( you wouldn't believe the effect this has on him, and they are only allowed to watch about 30min a day roughly.)

Well, he is fine at breakfast, plays with the girls, gasp! and Andrew actually comes to play for a bit before Rayne goes home and all is happy again in the household. Though the thought of being with him for the whole day is not exactly a first choice of mine...

He redeems himself by helping grandma and his cousin get ready for a garage sale and he really did work his little butt off joyfully. Still no TV though he really did lobby and try for it. He did earn a couple of tokens out of it though.

round two...
Well, it is 4pm and our little Raya is not the token earning beauty she was at 3:59pm, she is now a raging emotional beast who is in desperate need of who knows what (well, we know it's sleep, though she is now at the point where we can never be right or her head spins and fire comes out of her ears. Thank you again Kellan for your morning wake up call/yell...)

She does sleep on the ride home and so we do have a pleasant drive, though she wakes up to a mildly beastly self, not quite a beauty yet. After dinner she is sent to her room as she has chosen to throw a major tantrum about a snack and refuses to make one of the two other wonderful choices given to her. She did in fact choose door number 3, the door to her room (she informed me via loud yelling that she can indeed make the choice to leave her room if she, "WANNNTTTTSSSSS TTTOOOOO!!!!! And included, "you are the worst mom, when is daddy coming home, he is better than YYYYYOOOOOUUUUUU!!!! Oh how I just love being a parent at times like this. There is about an infinite number of things I'd rather be doing at this moment including eating cheese- well ok, a close second I guess to eating cheese- b/c you all know how I hate cheese- it is really gross and disgusting...as is her behavior)
Kellan looks at me with an empathetic eye and goes to get a granola bar for Raya to ease her pain, and his and mine at this point, and looks at me again.
"Wow, she is really mad. When will she stop?"
"That was nice of you Kellan, but she can't have the bar yet. I really hope she stops soon. Remember this morning? You acted like this too."
"Oh, I did? (pause) Oooh, I guess I really did..." Bingo the light bulb FINALLY went on.
"She hasn't said stupid or idiot or I'm throwing you out the window though."
"yeah, but she said you are the worst mom and she hates you, but mine was bad and I did wake them up this morning..."

So he had to repeat her wonderful words back to me for effect, but the bottom line is that almost a day later, he got it! And tomorrow- he gets to watch a little tv again!

They both gave me (the hated mommy only moments ago) a hug and all is peaceful and in harmony again. I even got a sorry mom.

I do need to get my hair colored soon b/c some serious gray came out of today. Now I am tired and need my beauty rest for what is to come of tomorrow...
Which will be a really great day!!!

Old Friends

So my three best friends from high school reunited one day last weekend as Carrie and her family were visiting L.A. I'm so sad I missed it, b/c of the darn knee! Andee and Carrie said it has been 16 years. I need to post the photos of Andee and I and Syd and I from last year, b/c Andee and her forgetful memory seems to forget that we are friends (or she could just be pretending) and still talk and keep in touch regularly!

Andee and Carrie posted a photo of the cruise we went on after we graduated. I won't post the photo, however I will do some reminiscing of fond memories instead!

The cruise- Andee and I decided to go snorkling as one of the added perks of the cruise and oh my, if I could post the photo of us! Andee and I still use that photo for jokes, it is priceless!

Also on the cruise, everyone was 18 years old, except for me- remember this ladies?!

They all went into Senor Frogs and I stood outside, that was fun, fun, fun!

Julie, remember when I first got my car and we went to the movies, but decided to drive around for a bit before? Remember driving on Plummer and running the yellow light with the dip in the intersection? They could have used us as the stunt doubles on Ferris Bueller's Day Off for sure!

Speaking of Ferris Bueller's Day Off, how many times did we watch that at your house Carrie? Once, twice, maybe our age- 33/34 (remember I'm not 34 yet! Hahaha!)? My sister is pregnant and likes the name Sloan for a girl, go figure?

Movies, Chili's, carpools (all fitting in the Toyota Supra,) the mall, lunches (brownies for lunch at Lawrence,) Eliel and the Cabbage Patch at the library, Taco Bell- hold the onions and cheese, Carrie and I picking through the burritos b/c there could not be even one sliver! Chili's, Chili's, Chili's- what is wrong with the San Fernando Valley and Chili's- my gosh! Oh yeah and of course Randy (I think I am pretty safe posting this 16 years later on my blog...)

Oh, remember being at my house on our day off and walking to Carl's Jr? Carrie you made me laugh so hard on that walk that I... and that is where this sentence ends!

And Andee- walking home from school and waiting to see what Jay was up to daily! Remember what we found in your mom's room, I bet that has been blocked from your memory on purpose! Oh, and how about the time you came over and talked to my mom while I was in my room and I didn't even know you were at my house!

I will part with these last words- Rob Base: It Takes Two to Make a Thing Go Right... and Joy and Pain...

I wish we could all hang out more! I am so glad we still keep in touch! Andee staying up late and watching cheesy shows, laughing and talking, going to work out and playing with Brady and Syd on my last visit is something I wish we could do weekly!

Carrie, I still have a scar on the back of my shoulder from Connor cutting me with the clippers, remember that? It was so fun to visit you in Utah on my road trips!

There's a message here...

What's in the message? My dear friend Kristin always says, "there is a lesson to be learned, what is the message here?" when things get tough or just so challenging that we sometimes want to run, but can't because if we don't face the hard stuff, the message won't be found and the lesson wasted.

So I hurt my knee once, and learned a lot then in the midst of depression, about cherishing my family, enjoying the moment and not worrying about missing something with friends because I had something to enjoy here at home. Well, I guess I forgot the lesson and had to be reminded again...

Here I am rehabbing the same injury and surgery a year and a half later, learning the same lesson and internalizing the same message through a little wiser and mature mind, I am almost in my mid 30's now, I have to mature at some point. I guess I needed a kick in the ass, or a tear of the ACL (literally) to see it more clearly.

And what do I see? I see friends who may come and go and come and go again, in a sport where people are constantly disappearing and reappearing, and a husband and family who are here to stay. I need to make sure I am connected with them before I go off on an adventure. I need to make sure Robert and I are ok and check in because unfortunately I can be real selfish and forget about how wonderful and grateful I am that he is my husband and that his feelings really matter.

On the other hand, I need to make sure that I am balanced within myself, because thinking about my family all the time and less about my needs isn't the answer either. So what is the message? Life is too short to throw all of myself into one sport and think that all of my needs will be fulfilled by this one practice. The sport fulfills me, but not all of me. This is what I need to remember.

So what do I do? I rehab my knee and come back strong! I remember that as my climbing friends come and go, I also come and go too and that it's ok. I climb my hardest and best when I am able to get out and if I can't get out, I don't sulk, I train instead, because when I do and can get out, I can crush because I will have trained and trained hard. We want to build a gym in the garage and not just any gym, but a gym that trains the whole body in a fun, motivating and spirited way, together as a family with friends included!

When I forget the message, b/c I am sure there will be many times that I will, I need to remember that friends come and go as I am doing now, but my incredible family is here in the now. I will get to climb, I will get that fulfillment and look forward to the days that I can...
I really can't wait to boulder hard and strong again!! With a balanced mind and attitude, I can be stronger!